The Weekend Read

MILEY CYRUS FAULT

By Erinna Mettler



17th May 2019

MILEY CYRUS FAULT
We’ll be back in the autumn but until then, why not read: ‘Miley Cyrus Fault’ by Erinna Mettler…

WHERE ARE YOU
so heavy my head feels like a bag of bricks wed say that after a night on the town bottle after bottle of Cristal line after line so high we always came down with a bang waking up with a head like a bag o bricks our curtained room migraine bright let alone studio whites and strobes at some photo shoot for a lads mag I still remember that stuff which lighting and lenses made me look best less like me and more like someone good you know someone who matters someone people would want to look at know about emulate no one would want to do that now would they look at me a beached whale lump with train track stretch marks and other tracks worse sinister reminders almost faded but there nonetheless the itching talking just below the skin reminding me of what I did of how awful I am unworthy useless senseless stupid mare Ive tried to make sense of it all but I cant I was given a chance and I blew it why would God give me a chance if I was just supposed to end up here in a one up one down on a grimy terrace in Sheffield for fucks sake isnt it meant to be MALIBU or CANNES or somewhere I dont know my head is so so heavy and its not HIS fault I know everyone says it is Mum and Kelly and all my friends not that Ive got any of them anymore but I did have 350k followers when I came out of THE HOUSE 150K more than the winner that stupid hippy cow with her save the world crap peace love and harmony fuck off I didnt even have the energy to save myself let alone the fucking rain forest 300k more than HE ever got people follow you to vent their hate and sometimes it felt like every single one of those 350K hated me they told me often enough shut up you silly bitch no one cares what you think you shouldnt even open your trout pout mouth youve no right to have an opinion you are a waste of space ugly no talent cunt why dont you just DIE and they turned out to be right about that didnt they I was clever and thin when I auditioned but I was never what youd call beautiful not like ANGELINA or VICTORIA or anyone like that and I didnt have the boobs then and I didnt have the hips and the boys didnt come and call much eight A stars that was the prediction 8 A stars and five years at law school thats what Mum and Dad wanted Id be finished now if Id done what I was supposed to do Im 25 and if Id done what Mum and Dad wanted Id be a lawyer with a swanky flat of my own in town with a concierge called Mack and a new car a PORSCHE or a MERCEDES and holidays in the BAHAMAS and BAJA but I didnt want that when I was 18 back then it looked like a life sentence of hard work and that woman saw me serving coffees in STARBUCKS and singing the orders cos thats what I did when I was a teenager I sang in the hope that constant chirping would stop the dull ache in my chest she had on a cream suit and you could tell it was designer and not knock off and she gave me her card with her long red nails and she said you should make an audition tape back home we argued and Mum cried and I promised that Id take my exams in a year if I got inside because Id make all the money Id need and more to pay the tuition fees cos its not only the show is it its the photo shoots and the articles in Heat and the chat shows and if Im lucky record deals and acting jobs thats what I thought anyway a number one single and a few hundred grand for exclusive interviews a regular part in a soap then HOLLYWOOD and Mum and Dad agreed so long as I promised to go back and do my exams and I meant it when I promised but I never did go back I broke that promise right off and I remember Mum coming to the flat one morning after a party and there were bodies everywhere and lines of coke and half empty bottles of Cristal and a pop star passed out naked in the bath and she stepped through it all like a fairy godmother offering me a chance to get out and looked me in the eye and said when are you coming home to take your exams and I just laughed in her face and told her I couldnt I couldnt give it all up and she looked round the place and pulled a grim little face and turned and walked away we made up later when I found out about PETAL and HE left and I really needed her but for a while we didn’t talk it was hard and they printed that picture of her in the sidebar of shame coming out of ASDA in jogging bottoms and fake UGG boots and she wouldnt have been seen dead in them if Id been there but HE was everything then and so even though she looked about a hundred years old and was obviously sick with worry I just carried on regardless parties clubs premieres fashion shoots get your tits out for the lads and for thousands in the bank laughing all the way when I was at school the populars used to trip me up pull my hair call me fatso and slag send me texts and leave scary whispered messages on my voicemail this one girl Imelda she was the worst we were friends when we were little but something happened between juniors and seniors and she hated me hated me she was a big boobed cow udders they were and the boys all looked at them bobbing up and down when she walked tongues hanging out and the girls all looked at them too because we couldnt believe they didnt hurt must have been hard for her no one ever looking her in the eye she really had it in for me spread rumours about me sleeping with Kevin Churchill when I was 13 13 for Gods sake I couldnt even look in the general direction of someone like Kevin Churchill when I was 13 I barely had the confidence to speak out in class thats what all my teachers said back then she needs to put her hand up in class we know she knows the answers wish I knew the effing answers now Imelda really had it in for me think she fancied Kevin Churchill though because he got her pregnant when she was 16 we both have babies now no partners and no jobs so I guess we are the same me and Imelda Ive only had three lovers people think Im a slag but thats it three Im not exactly KATIE PRICE am I Im not counting the girl I only did that because HE wanted me to not that it wasnt soft and nice and tender but I wouldnt have done it unless HE asked HE was everything but HE went and told the press about it column inches were important to both of us back then and HE said HE did it for me for us but it was just for HIMSELF really I see that now eyelids heavy Ill text her soon then Ill be all right everything will work out so when I had my 350k followers MAX said I should try for a singing career like Miley Cyrus I could sing Id shown that when I was in THE HOUSE Moon River with Pedro on Spanish guitar saved me from getting voted off one week I think it was that or the bikini that wasnt my idea by the way that was the production company they told us what to do and what to wear a lot of the time people dont realise that but I would have worn normal clothes given the choice I was bloody freezing for the whole five weeks I was in there but the bikinis were part of the deal MAX was part of the deal too they have it all planned they hold your hand as they strap you into the rollercoaster I used to love rollercoasters when I was a kid my dad took me to Blackpool Pleasure Beach every year wed go on all the rides and eat candyfloss and then catch the bus up the Golden Mile after sunset THE BIG ONE runs high along the beach so high you feel like youre flying like youre one of the gulls soaring over the Irish Sea as it churns below and your rickety old car seems to slow down so you can breathe calm and clear air fresher than summer rain then suddenly youre whiplashed to the rightibs bashing against the car against each other and you laugh and you scream until your lungs burst let me off let me off but it doesnt stop it just goes faster and faster and louder and louder scary and hilarious all at the same time but that was nothing compared to being in THE HOUSE and what happens after that THE BIG ONE was the last time I had a clear head not now heavy now heavy but shell be here soon I cant call 999 myself that wont work and Im sorry for her that shell have to find me like this but it will all work out I just need enough cash to get out of this mess one national exclusive a couple of TV interviews LORRAINE maybe I always liked LORRAINE she never judged and I saw her at a few parties full of fun and love Id like my own show like hers I could do that after Ive never been starstruck so I wouldnt get all tongue tied interviewing anyone famous like MILEY CYRUS I could have her on weve so much in common or we will have when people give a shit again maybe when SHES older me and PETAL can go on the rides at Blackpool and SHELL lift HER arms in the air and scream if you scream if you scream if you want to go faster heavy so heavy its the Nembutal I got it on the internet the doctor told me to get some exercise and eat vegetables hed only give me Temazepam at the lowest dose and that wouldnt have done so Ive mixed them and two bottles of Chardonnay and some paracetamol to make it look authentic like Im serious and my head is almost too heavy to lift so I know its the right dose shell be here soon shes got PETAL and it must be nearly time for HER tea so I know shell check her phone she normally rings me when shes got PETAL and lets HER talk to me I told her I had a job interview I did actually for a receptionist at a dentists I have very good teeth got them all veneered with my first six figure cheque natural though not neon bright like some deranged alien see me coming before Im in the room cant face working in a dentists was all set to go then got caught up reading tweets about MILEY CYRUS Imelda and those bitches she hung out with I went into THE HOUSE to escape all that but I should have known at the interview when they got us to vote each other out of the running asked us questions about secrets and sex and what wed do for money anything I said except kill someone HA! no one mentioned suicide my head is so so heavy now eyelids shell be here soon the crowd brayed for blood when I walked up those steps but they clapped and whistled too and there were lights and flashes and that music and they were all looking at me taking pictures of me and I knew Id be in the papers and Imelda would see and the bitches would see and I liked that idea those cows too green to eat their Special K over the morning news shell be here soon it was their idea to get us to pretend to have sex you all thought we really did it but we didnt they talked about it before we went in told us who and how and how long and you all bought it like the spoonfed morons you are I had the highest IQ of any contestant ever in THE HOUSE they test you when you pass the first interview but it didn’t stop me falling in love with HIM did it and it didnt stop me being hated by 2.3 million viewers who all applauded when HE dumped me on air HE told me they made HIM do that too when we got out and it was all fairy tale for a while but like I said it was only column inches to HIM and it wouldnt have mattered if Id released that single as planned it was okay you know not crap I can sing but PETAL came and that was a shock and Max said I couldnt go on tour with a fat belly or a kid not for a debut and when I wouldnt get rid of her he dumped me they both did the money went quick without Max as back up there were a couple of my heartbreak spreads I did for cash even though I didnt want to go over it all again but I dont get any money from HIM and only the best for PETAL and no one cares enough to pay any more I don’tee how HE can bear not to see HER SHES HIS too when SHE smiles its like a hot water bottle around your heart MILEY CYRUS though 15 million hits for sticking her tongue out and her scrawny butt up for all the dirty old men I can do that again I can easily lose this baby fat and Ive got my 34GGs now I can do a diet and exercise DVD Mum will find me and theyll pump my stomach and Ill emerge bravely from intensive care into camera flashes and goodwill on Twitter my fingers are heavy eyes wont stay open shell be here soon unless cant think about that its all MILEY CYRUS fault

Message Failed To Send. Retry?

 

 

 

(First Published in The Manchester Review 2016 and 15 Minutes by Erinna Mettler (Unbound Press)