It’s finally here! We’ve wanted an agony aunt column for a long, long time, not least to help us with our own literary conflicts and confusions.

And at last, we’ve got not one, but two. But it’ll be double trouble with these two, because they’ve got polar opposite opinions on almost everything.

But you never know, having two conflicting takes could help you get to grips with your book-based predicament. And if not, it should keep us entertained, anyway. So, without further ado…

Help! Ever since the Harry Potter series ended, I’ve been feeling distraught. What’s more, I keep having strange sexual fantasies about the Weasley twins. What should I do? And what reading material can you recommend which will cure me of this weird obsession?

The Notorious BMD:

It’s tempting to respond by going through the 5 stages of grief: The Dementor of Denial must be vanquished in the Azkaban of Acceptance, etc.  But it’s lazy writing, and the last thing you need when you’re in full on Harry Huge-Missing-Misery (see how good I am at this? Fuck you, online thesaurus).

Firstly: Diana Wynne Jones was slamming out YA witches and wizards long before J.K. Rowling. Read the Chrestomanci series! Charmed Life has been filmed by Studio Ghibli and every good Hufflepuff knows that one Japanese animation is worth 10 slow-mo shots of Rupert Grint’s adam’s apple.

Secondly: Read, like, ten thousand more YA series (especially The Hunger Games, just because) and then maybe a bit of aversion therapy with a load (arf) of Harry Potter fanfic. A personal favourite is when Harry and Draco move to America together and realise they’re in love.

Book Elf Leeds:

Darling, we’ve all been there. Redheads have always been a particular favourite of mine and being submerged in Potter since an impressionable age might have something to do with it. However, fear not. There are many many sexy gingers out there to discover.

Howard Roark, for example, the hero of Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead manages to be all chiselled and ginger, his flaming hair contrasting nicely with the gritty grrr-man marble slabs he furiously bashes with his hammer of testosterone.

He also looks delicious in a dinner jacket. Just ignore the ridiculous politics and well dodge “love” scenes, and try not to throw the book at a wall too many times!

Got another answer for our hapless Harry Potter obsessive? Or have you got a conundrum for the For Books’ Sake agony aunts to solve? Post your questions in the comments or send us an email, and maybe yours will be the next one to be answered…

(Image via J. Scott 2)